If you know me well, this post may not be what you're thinking. I am not going to use this post to complain about how I'm feeling right now or to point out how extremely uncomfortable I am in these last few weeks before baby boy #2 arrives, though that does lead to the other purpose for this post. Though I tend to be somewhat of a complainer, I am aware of it, I hate it, and I'm making up my mind to change that about myself. Rather than complain at this point, when I know there is a wonderful end so clearly in sight, the point of this post is to list all of the things I feel terrible about that pertain to caring for my first baby boy in my current condition. Here goes...
I feel terrible that I have pretty much become a lump on the couch, watching my little boy play and interacting as much as I can from a sitting or lying down position, rather than being able to crawl around on the floor with him, wrestle, and chase him around the house. I just can't move. Sigh.
I feel terrible that in this extreme heat I am unable to take my little boy outside as much as he would like. I can't take it (and usually I LOVE the heat). Logan loves to play outside and I love to be outside with him, but it is completely exhausting to be out right now.
I feel terrible that I can't wait for my hubby to wake up every day so he can keep me company and help out with Logan, only to have him "spend time" with me on the couch.
I feel terrible that my little boy's life is about to be turned completely upside down, and he has NO idea. We talk about the baby constantly. We ask Logan where the baby will sleep, if he will share his toys with him, what the baby will do all day, etc. Logan seems really excited, but he just doesn't know what he's in for. I don't know how else to prepare him.
I feel terrible that when baby boy #2 does come, I won't be able to give Logan my undivided attention anymore. I keep thinking of the things I can't wait to be able to do when I don't have this gigantic belly attached to my body any longer; I only hope that I can find the time and the energy to do them.
I feel terrible that I'm going back to work so much sooner with this baby than I did with Logan. I feel like, in some weird way, it's showing favoritism toward my firstborn. Logan was 14 weeks old when I returned to work, and baby boy #2 will only be nine weeks old. Contract guidelines give me two choices - return after my eight week leave, at the end of the first quarter (or the nine weeks I'm planning on taking), or wait until the end of the first semester (a total of 18 weeks that would leave us completely broke - my original plan, but now no longer an option).
I feel terrible putting the burden of responsibility on my father-in-law when I do return to work. He is wonderful with Logan and really enjoys spending the time with him. And we definitely appreciate the free child care. But caring for two is definitely different than caring for one. I am very confident that he will be able to handle it, no problem, but I'm sure there will be many challenges along the way.
On a more positive note, I feel that I learned SO much about being a mom from my experiences with Logan. He was, in no way, an easy baby. And I was, in no way, a laid back mommy. I was probably the most uptight new mommy ever and I stressed us both out, I'm sure. I complained a lot. I cried a lot. I often wondered what the heck I was thinking becoming a mom because I was sure I was terrible at it. My mom was constantly telling me that all the torture would come to an end eventually, but I had a hard time believing it without being able to actually see an end in sight. Now I know it does end. I know it gets better. And I know that it all happens far too quickly.
My goals for this baby? Be more positive. Enjoy the newborn stage (though I've realized I'm not really a lover of that stage, and it's ok). Remind myself, when things get tough, that this too shall pass. Ask Todd for help when I need it and not try to be a "super" mommy doing everything myself. Accept help when others offer and not let myself feel guilty about it. Take time for myself every once in a while, and let it make me a better mommy and wife.
We have (at most) 18 more days as a family of three. I'm excited but I'm scared. I'm anxious but I'm ready. Bring on the family of four!
3 comments:
Oh, Amy. I wish I was there to give you a hug right now. You sound JUST LIKE I DID when I was in your shoes. Your goals for this new baby sound perfect and you *will* survive this transition. Logan will too and the change in him will surprise you. Did you ever read that Loving Two poem I posted before Sophie was born? It's SO True! Anyway, you are a great mommy to ONE and you will be a great mommy to TWO. Can't wait to "meet" baby #2! Good luck!
I remember right before Maddie was born, Steph had these same fears/reservations/etc that you're having. And Danny was just turning 2, 3 days after Mads was born. Let me just tell you that those 2 were and are still the very best of friends, 12 years later. I'm sure Dan had his moments, but he loved his Watermelon from day 1, and everything worked out perfectly. I'm sure Logan will too, kids are resilient like that!
You were a nervous mommy :) But it worked out fine, no? You've got a healthy, amazing little guy. So whatever you did worked, and worked well for him. And whatever you do with this next one will work too.
(I'd love to be a fly on the wall with Harry one day...)
Oh, big hug to you.
I can't imagine what you're feeling... the mix of emotions. However, I just want to give you SOME encouragement.
Seeing that sweet, happy little Logan goes to prove that you are GOOD at what you do. You're a great Mommy.
You can totally do this.
YOU CAN DO IT.
Big hug.
Post a Comment